Sex is a wildly misused, misunderstood and miscommunicated topic. It’s like a dirty secret, you just don’t talk about it. But doesn’t everybody do it? Besides eating, sleeping and pooping, sex is probably the one thing we all do, desire or at least fantasize about. And there is a simple reason: We long for unity in relationships. Sex is one of the big topics that I recently chose to take a closer look at, one of the reasons being tantra.

Tantra is Not Sex

Most people have either never heard of it or associate it with ecstatic lovemaking. But tantra isn’t just about sex, it’s about energies. Tantra is traditionally from India and an ancient form of yoga. It literally means “instrument to expand”. This inner technology works not with the physical body, but with the energy body (We have 5 bodies – physical, energetic, emotional, wisdom & bliss body). Sexuality usually concentrates your energies in the lower chakras, but the goal of tantra is about raising your energies to the upper chakras. So you use sex not to lower yourself to the basic instincts, but to raise yourself to higher dimensions.

The quintessence of tantra is: Nothing exists that isn’t divine. The body is seen as a living temple and sexual energy as divine energy. Tantra can, therefore, be used as an instrument for spiritual transformation. And yes, the union of the male and female energies is used to get there, but with the difference that the end goal isn’t orgasm, but a spiritual realisation. So tantra isn’t sex, it’s love. And most of us have very wrong ideas about what love really is.

Do You Know Your Boundaries?

“I was standing there, feeling naked in front of a stranger. His hands started touching me in parts I didn’t even know I can still feel … “

Have you ever really tested this out? We all have an idea about what we like and don’t like, but do you really know how far you are willing to go? It is a challenging thought I agree, but it is necessary to get to know yourself. I recently deepened my knowledge about tantra at some workshops at the rainbow gathering. You just turn up, no need to have a partner, all the exercises you do are with a different person. If you are in a relationship, it is recommended to stay together in order to deepen the bond between you.

The tantra course starts with a game. First, you randomly choose a partner – that is you let the universe choose. You start walking around the room making eye contact, and at one point, you just stand in front of your partner. You don’t talk, you just look at each other, exchanging silent greetings. Then the woman closes her eyes and the man starts to touch her body, starting with the shoulders, then down to the arms, hands and so on. You explore the body of the other with your touch. And it’s very surprising which parts you react most to. It’s not the private parts that trigger a reaction, but places like the face, neck and hands that are way more intimate. Letting a total stranger into your comfort zone makes you feel vulnerable and forces you to open yourself and simply let go … isn’t that what we all want?

The Power of the Polarities

To understand tantra, we have to understand that everything in life is made of polarities. Male and female are the most powerful ones – also called Shiva and Shakti in the yogic tradition. Because in the end, we are all longing for unity.

“When two parts unite, a third one is created.”

What is this third part? Is it maybe love? Another very important polarity is within ourselves – our body and soul. Especially the church considers our soul as sacred with the possibility to achieve the divine and the body only a wild vessel with uncontrollable desires and impulses. In that way, they separate which belongs together. Your soul cannot be without this body, its manifestation in this world. In that way, I challenge you to change your prejudices – what if your body is sacred and your soul is wild?

In the course, we were asked to connect with our wild, animalistic side. We went down on all fours and transformed into a wolf pack, howling and growling. Suddenly, we had to lay down and worship each other’s bodies, praying and gently massaging each other. Changing from the animal inside to the goddess outside was a phenomenal experience. These two very opposite energies were charging each other – wilderness, pleasure and instinct stood in contrast to sacredness, worshipping and bliss. By really acting these energies out, a much stronger, third energy was created that made our bodies tingle and shake. At this moment, I started to understand what immense potential lies in the union of polarities.

Why Men shouldn’t Have an Orgasm

Now let’s get down to business – Do you know the difference between ejaculation and orgasm? These two are often confused, so let’s make this clear first. An orgasm is the state of consciousness during an ecstatic experience when the energies of mind and body are in a flow. On the other hand, ejaculation is only the event of releasing built-up energy.

According to the Yogic Tradition, our life energies consist of a certain number of ojas. Once these ojas are all used, we die. They are our life force and vitality and are best expressed in our sexual energies. The greatest concentration of ojas is in semen, thus man shouldn’t waste these vital energies by coming. Sounds like a bad joke, but that’s the cruel reality (sorry guys!). For women that is a whole different story. Unlike men, women can have 2 different kinds of orgasms:

  • clitoral orgasm – the most common one which is achieved through penetration or the clitoris.
  • vaginal orgasm – internally triggered through the G-Spot, even though most men (and women) don’t know where this mysterious spot even is.

But women can also ejaculate, commonly known as squirting. When this happens, a lot of fluid is being lost – and so are the ojas. That is why in tantra, women should avoid this one (but hey, there are others, women can enjoy).

Sexual Energy – Your Super Power

“If you sit with your eyes closed, you can drip with orgasms in every cell of your body.” – Sadhguru

Let’s face it: when lust arises, it needs an outlet. We all carry an amount of sexual energy with us, some more than others. According to Napoleon Hill, this energy is the most powerful force in existence. We are used to releasing this energy through penetration and ultimately orgasms. BUT there lies an immense potential in the transformation of that energy. When not directed towards orgasm but action, people are willing to take more risk, develop courage, willpower and unknown creativity – it’s basically a superpower for action. This is why tantra teaches sublimation. So you don’t blindly follow your desires and lust but transmute this energy into the power of creation. Whenever this strong energy arises, you try to redirect it to different parts of your body. That can be done through breathing techniques or specific yoga poses. Once you are able to control those powerful energies, you can produce all those happy orgasm hormones – dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin – by will. This also means orgasms are possible not only in your genitals but all over your body.

Our lives are hectic enough, we shouldn’t bring this fast-food attitude into our relationships. Let’s start by viewing sex not as a means to an end, but as a truly beautiful relationship with yourself and your partner. As one of my favourite books says:

“It is not just two bodies that are close, but rather two worlds, circling and flowing into each other.” – Anam Cara

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