Questions I ask myself, looking back at this very dark time of my life. But now, I do not only see the suffering and the pain, but I am also starting to see the gift life gave to me – how the relationship between me and my parents transformed. A really valuable thing I learned:
Every kind of darkness can teach you something that you can transform into light.
When life decides to wake you up
We all reach a point in life where we just need to wake up. We need to change something in order to grow. I faced my wake up call almost 10 years ago – and it was painful, but oh so necessary.
Back then, I was feeling entirely and utterly alone. I cried almost every day. I felt guilty. I was desperate. Desperate to run away. And I did. And on the way, I found myself again.
My wake up call was the divorce of my parents. I want to share with you this very dark part of my history, and how I managed to get out of it as a better, stronger person. And how you can do, too.
This message goes to all children of divorce out there. To everyone who has been lost for a long time and doesn’t see the light.
All I wanted was to run away
As a kid, you could say that I lived the perfect life. But I wasn’t happy. Why? I always felt like sth was missing. I guess I somehow unconsciously planted this seed – not that it was my fault what happened later, but it was clearly necessary.
I was 20 years old when my parents decided to get divorced. And with that, my whole world started to fall apart. I felt guilty and responsible. From that moment on, I was split into two. I was in the middle of 2 people I love – not wanting to hurt either of them.
When my father looked at me, he always saw her. when I spoke to my mother, she always heard his voice.
All I did was to run away – run away from the confrontation, feelings and solution. I felt like there was no home anymore, my base was gone.
And I went on a search – what was I searching? Home – within myself.
Now looking back on that time, I can see much clearer. I don’t only see all the pain and suffering, I see the transformation I went under. I see how life forced me to wake up. To move. To question. I see the great gift life gave me.
Nowadays, divorce is almost normal. 9 out of 10 people I know are children of divorce – shocking. This left a mark on our generation, but it also made us stronger.
3 things the separation of my parents taught me
I have to admit I was pretty dependent on my parents at one point – because I was always held safely – they put a net of protection over me. When the divorce happened, they were so occupied with themselves that they totally forgot about me – the safety net was lifted.
I was exposed to the world. Alone. More so because I started to travel by myself. Even during all the fights and lonely nights. I had no one. It was then when I realised how strong I really am. I had to be strong, for myself. I had to manage things by myself, I had to reorganise my life.
And trust me this is hard, but the best training you will ever get. In the end, no one will save your ass, you have to do it by and for yourself. And it is so beautiful to see your own strength – which will never leave you again.
For that reason, life will make you detach from all those people, situations or material things which hold you back from your own transformation.
MAKE DIFFERENT MISTAKES
There was a time when I didn’t believe in love anymore.
I saw the generation of my parents and how after so many years of being together, so many people just throw all of those years away. Anyway if someday it will all break, why even start?
My path taught me that we are not doomed to live the history of our parents. That we don’t need to make the same mistakes. That we should better take all the beautiful and good things from our parents and apply those in our life, and make the mistakes as a warning to make it better. For sure we will make a lot of mistakes in our lives, but let them be different ones. And let us enjoy them!
Don’t judge your parents for any mistakes they made. For sure when you are a kid your parents seem like gods to you, masters of life that have all the answers. But growing up you realise that is not the case. They also have problems, worries and struggle sometimes. They do not know everything. They are not always right. They have their unsolved traumas and hidden shadows, just as every human does.
Once I realised that they are not so different from me, I stopped judging them for the mistakes they made. Because I also don’t want to judge myself. And thanks to them I am who I am now, with all the good and bad parts. They gave me the biggest gift on earth – life. They raised me to their best knowledge and gave me everything they could. My father’s courage and intelligence are guiding me and my mother’s rebellious spirit inspires me until this day.
Always chose to see the light
The divorce of my parents made me stronger, more independent and forced me to go on a journey to find my true home – inside of myself. Without this wake-up call, I don’t know if I would have travelled more than 44 countries, lived in 5 of them and now be writing to you from my room here in Colombia.
Every single thing that happened to you, even if it seems horrible or unfair at the moment, it brought you to where you are now. And that is the only place we will ever be, right? So I encourage you to change your perspective. If your parents got divorced, a person close to you leaves you, or you apparently lose something – only you decide if it is going to be a good or a bad story you will one day tell to inspire others.
Enjoy this video where I interpret my wake-up call story with words and movement:
Thank you for appreciating my art!